Question:
Navy Wives....got a question for you?
2008-01-28 12:28:59 UTC
As a newly wed and as a new navy wife...what are your suggestions for keeping a strong marriage with my husband.
He is currently in boot, and then is going to CA for A school.....not sure where for PDS yet. Anyway the almost none contact while he has been in boot is killing me! he didnt even get to call during xmas...anyway any suggestions?
Eight answers:
2008-01-28 13:37:59 UTC
Keeping a Navy marriage strong takes commitment and communication. No disrespect to other answers, but don't listen to the people who say "if its meant to be, it will be" because that simply isn't true. The only thing that will keep your marriage strong is a commitment to each other and a commitment to do whatever it takes to make each other feel loved. I got married right before my husband went to boot camp a little over a year ago, so we went through boot camp, A School, and my last semester of college living apart. We just moved in together after about a year of marriage, and now he will be leaving on our first deployment in a few weeks. The best advice I can give is keep communication strong. While he was at A School, I was about 10 hours away at college, and we talked on the phone CONSTANTLY. We would both got out of class early in the afternoon, and we would talk on the phone for the rest of the day/evening. Of course, he had things he had to do with the Navy and I had homework and such, but we used every opportunity to talk on the phone, even when we'd rather just be hanging out with our friends or being lazy watching TV. Sometimes love means doing things you don't want to do because you know they will be good for the other person or for your relationship. For example, I have never been very big on talking on the phone, but I keep that phone with me at all times now and I take the opportunity to talk to him whenever I get it. Also, I drove by myself the whole way to visit him at A School because I couldn't stand being away from him any longer! It made him feel really special that I would do that just to see him for a few days. Depending on your husband's job, he may get to use computers regularly and this has helped my hubby and I because we email each other all the time. Email has gotten us through underway periods where we would not have had any other type of contact. Yes, sitting in front of the computer all night waiting for an email so you can respond as quickly as possible and maybe get another quick response may not be the most fun way to spend your Friday night, but it is essential to have that communication and it really makes a world of difference! My other advice is to seek out support groups online. There are a bunch of great message board sites with awesome ladies there to offer you advice and support, just google "Navy wives" or "Military wives" and a bunch will come up. These are very helpful because if you need cheering up or have a question for a more experienced military wife, you have a place to go where you will reach hundreds of them at a time! Message boards also offer a way to meet other military wives that live close to you if you are looking to make new friends when you're in a new area. My last piece of advice since your hubby is still in boot camp is to write him every day. I made it a point to send him SOMETHING every single day whether it was just a picture or a short note, just make sure he gets tons of mail and things from you because this will boost his morale so much. I even had other people in my hubby's division writing to me and telling me how awesome they thought it was that he would get something from me every single day and they told me that it even made THEM feel better because even seeing him get something every day reminded them of what they have waiting for them back at home. Just stay strong for him and know that being apart is just as hard on him as it is on you! Good luck, and keep a positive attitude and you will love life as a Navy wife! =]
navywife
2008-01-28 12:43:27 UTC
it's not easy, that's forsure. always maintain communications with eachother, that is the most important thing that you can do to keep your marriage going. your hubby is going to change in bootcamp. mine did, all for the best. we learned not to take things for granted or argue over stupid stuff. you find that is a waste of time. he will be gone on a ship and maybe long deployments and you dont need petty stuff getting in the way. learn about his job, there are so many wives that i've talked to where they dont even know what their hubby does. i find this weird. of course you cant know everything, but it is nice for him to know that you care about that part of his life.

when my hubby was in bootcamp, i thought i was never gonna make it until he came home. we had a 1&1/2 yr old daughter at the time. we had never been apart for that long before. now, i'm dealing with 8 month deployments. It does get better, it's never great, but better. you learn so much about each other when your separated by ocean, schools, etc. you must try to make the best out of any situation. gotta remember there is always a bright side to things. you will make friends for a life time in the navy. you always have one thing in common with them...the navy! you will be fine. but like i said, always talk opening with eachother. if the communacation stops, your marriage might stop too.

good luck to you, your gonna do great
TTC baby #1
2008-01-28 13:17:03 UTC
If you love each other truly and are meant to be together it will last. just every single day that you can let him know how much you love him and how much he means to you. tell him absolutly everything you do during your day so he feels like he's with you. Don't get used to him being home becuz it most likely wont happen very much. Just be strong. Don't you ever let anyone bring you down. Just hold you head high and stay positive!!!!! Being positive is the mos timportant thing. But I hope evrything works out for you.
oma_30701
2008-01-28 12:35:57 UTC
Lot's of loving letters little griping and full support of him. Remember he's not the one that sets the schedule for calls etc., although they have always encouraged the guys to write home as often as they can. Married my sailor 41 years ago and we are still happy no matter how far apart or for how long because we love each other and support each other back in the day and now....Good luck and God bless you both...Fair seas to both of you....
NIKKI1118
2008-01-28 15:40:05 UTC
Welcome to military life and trust me there will be many more times like this. I just kept myself busy w/work, school, and my daughter. It made time go by fast. But it takes time to get used to it.
gugliamo00
2008-01-28 13:30:19 UTC
Sorry, can't speak as a Navy wife.



But I can tell you a little about what's going on in Great Lakes.



Not sure his report date, but the first couple of days are a blur of confusion. Sorry, but he was too busy trying to do stuff he had no idea as to what, why, or how. There is absolutely no time to think.



After that, for a week or so, he's getting into a routine. Up, prepare for inspection (personal and barracks) march to breakfast,eat, march to classes or PT, march to lunch, eat, march to class or PT, march to dinner, march back to barracks, study, go to bed... and you wouldn't believe how fast he's asleep. In there somewhere he's also learning to stand watches.



During that time there's little or no mail. Part of the training is weaning. Navy deployments are often long. Communication is sporadic... sometimes nonexistent for months. Think about a submarine. It's underwater a month at a time. The only time it can get mail is in port or on the surface. If you send him a letter and it hits right after he's gone down, it'll be a month before he can get it... that will be about six weeks after you wrote it. The mail arrives and he answers it that same day... but it'll be another month before he can send it. Now about 10 weeks. Sub surfaces to take on supplies and mail, and about 12 weeks after you sent your letter, you get your reply.



Phone communications are extremely limited in boot camp.



By now you should have received everything he took with him to boot camp. One thing missing from that package is his wedding ring. He's allowed to keep that.



To be honest, you probably don't want to talk to him at this point. Most recruits go through a period when they wonder why they ever subjected themselves to such intolerable cruelty. If you're worried now... when he's at that point in his head, you may become frantic. He's being force-fed Navy history, Navy regulations, Navy vocabulary, and a general Navy and military education. He'll learn that every place on a ship has an address. He'll learn that he walks on decks, goes trough hatches, paints bulkheads, and looks up at overheads. He'll learn that the pointy end is the bow and the back porch is the fantail. He'll relearn his alphabet... it's now alpha, bravo, charlie, delta.These things and a whole lot more are becoming second nature to him.



Then, sometime, about the middle of his training, he'll look up from the deck on which he's been running, on which he's been marching, on which he's been doing a billion push-ups and sit-ups... and sees a light at the end of the tunnel... He might actually make it through this meat grinder!



Some time in there he's been given time to write letters occasionally. If so, at this point in his training, the tenor of the letters will probably change. He'll be more positive... more up-beat. His attitude will have changed from, "Holy !!! I'm going to die!!!" to, "Graduation's in sight." More than likely he'll be getting ideas about what kind of stuff the Navy has planned for his future. He'll know where he's going to "A" school... or, if not "A" school, where he's going to be stationed.



His life will now be a blur of activity. But now he knows what's going on. Whatever he's doing now makes sense... finally.



Then there's graduation... and boot liberty.



Ok... that's what's going on.



Now, if it's been more than a month... a couple of weeks since you've received his civilian clothes... the stuff he wore and took to boot camp, and there's still no word, and you're worried... two things:

(1) If anything bad were to happen, as his wife, you'll be the first to know. So, it really is a case of "no news is good news."

(2) You can contact him by contacting the Chaplain. I'd caution you about this method. NEVER use it when he's deployed. He can get in trouble... or at least VERY embarrassed. In boot camp I'd guess it's less traumatic. I had a grandmother use this method once. I was out of touch for about a month. It was a security thing. Anyway, I get back to base and am ordered to speak to the skipper. He told me about the letter that had reached him through the Chaplain. I explained why I hadn't written. He "suggested" that I knock out a letter. So I did. I told her that I would write when I could, but if she ever wanted to hear from me again, she would never go that route again. Then I made up a postcard that said essentially, "I'm fine. Don't worry." and enclosed that with the letter with a note, if "when I can write" wasn't sufficient she could look forward to these for the duration. I don't suppose she stopped worrying, but she never contacted me "through channels" again.



One more thing... for emergency use only... you can go through the Red Cross.



That's the up-side. One poster already alluded to the down-side. "If you love each other it will last."



Young relationships seem to have one of the highest casualty rates in the military. It takes work on both sides... and commitment--a whole lot more of both in a military relationship than in a civilian relationship.



There are the separations. When people first get married they expect to spend most of their lives together. Not the case in the military.



There are the finances. BHA is a whole lot more today than when I was in, but even with that, it can be difficult to balance budgets... especially with enlisted pay.



There is the fear. In a civilian job hubby leaves in the morning and returns in the afternoon. Aside from a traffic accident, being struck by lightening, or some such calamity, he's safe. In the military the one on active duty has people hunting him or her. The one at home lives in fear of receiving the "letter."



And, unfortunately, there is cheating... on both sides. The rationale is the same on both sides. "I'm here all alone (among strangers/in danger/in combat/at home saddled with bills and kids) and (she/he) is there (st home with all her family and friends/all his bar-hopping buddies)." Oddly neither thinks what they're doing is "cheating" and would be incredibly angry were their "significant other" were to do the same.



You know your husband. You know the kind of man he is. If his moral compass is locked on course, if he possesses a strong character, if he's intelligent, I'd presume you have nothing to worry about here. And similarly, if your moral compass is locked on course, if you're in possession of a strong character, if you are intelligent, then I'm sure he has nothing to worry about either.



Forgot support. When I was in the Navy there was a group of women called "The Navy Wives Club." These women have been through it all for years. Some of them are wives of senior officers. They have access to information and can pull strings. I believe that sometimes they aren't even aware themselves of how much influence they have. But they've been through the deployments and fear... some of them for years... some for decades. http://navywivesclubsofamerica.org/



But you can do a search on "Navy Wives"
tgatecrasher2003
2008-01-28 12:33:06 UTC
Its going to continue wait until he ships out for 6 mo at a time or more............Its rough being a spouse of a soldier you need to understand what you are agreeing to
nmkmathan
2008-01-28 12:35:37 UTC
If u really love him, waiting is not a problem......


This content was originally posted on Y! Answers, a Q&A website that shut down in 2021.
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